It'll be light at six.

I was looking at my calendar today. Daylight Savings time starts on Sunday morning. I can't believe we are at daylight savings time already. I mean this time next week, it'll be April? Wowee.

Coming back to school on Sundays has gotten harder and harder. My weekends are like vacations. Rarely do I do homework and mostly I just spend time with my wonderful boyfriend. Then, I come back on Sunday afternoon, (and as was the case today, lock myself out of my apartment), cry about the fact that the weekend is over and buckle down to do a shitload of homework. So far, Sundays have been my most productive day. I guess it is my way of trying to put my sadness out of my mind. I just don't know.

Here's the plan that I have decided as of today. I have been stressing like no other about getting the classes I need/want and making up my 1.5 year plan so that I can graduate in December 2007. This is the conclusion I have come to. I am going to take the necessary electro-acoustics classes for the next year (phys 1600 and phys 3350--that takes care of fall and spring semester next year). Then, when it gets to fall '07, I will look at my schedule and see if the last two classes fit. If they don't fit, I'm going to say, "DOWN WITH THE EXTRA MINOR" and get my degree and get the heck outta here. It's not that I don't like this school, it's more that I just really want to graduate and get on with my life.

Welcome to what happens when all your friends are older...you just want to be one of them.

I see all these people out there, you know having a life, and I recognize that right now school is my life. But I cannot wait for the day where I get to just come home to Jeremy, cook dinner, watch TV, and crash. I don't know what job I'll be able to snag when I get out of college. I'd like to think there is someone out there who will hire me and pay me enough for me to get by. For the most part, as long as it's not illegal, I don't really care what I do. A job is a job. Do I want to work at camp? Yes. Will I ever get a permenant job out there? Who knows. At this point I can't say whether it is too likely or not. With resident camp opening right before I graduate, I'd like to think there would be some new oppotunities to come. At the same time, it may mean all the jobs will be taken by the time I'm ready to do it. Thinking about my future stresses me out. It's like some kind of sick obsession. It's painful to do so, but I can't stop. Thus is what it is like to be 20 years old I guess.

Classes end in four and a half weeks. After that, I have a two weeks until I'm done for the semester, and hopefully another week before I gear up into class again (hopefully TWO classes...dependant on phone calls tomorrow). It's refreshing to know that the end is near. Truly. After next week, it's very possible I can pretty much stop working in at least one of my classes. That would be a beautiful thing. Next week I have three tests and the final section of my business plan due (although she says she's gonna push the date back...but I want to get as much of it done as possible...). This is what we call the 3/4 mark of the semester. It's the third test of four in all my classes, and thus, how I do on this test will dictate how well I must do on finals.

My dad told me last week to not stress about grades. I can't help it nowadays. It is engrained in my head. Over the next two weeks, I'll be stressing less about grades and more about getting all the classes I need when and where I need them.

It truly is to the point of being painful.

This week will be unfortunately long. I have one test and the rest of my classes demand nothing this week. Therefore, I will be chilling out here basically all week just trying to get menial tasks done and then I have to stay until Friday because I have to go to this freaking seminar for my Entrepreneurship class. I'm hoping I can sign the roll sheet and bolt, but there is no guarantee this will work.

I live for the weekends. I look forward to them all week and then mourn them when they are over.

I miss my Jeremy.

For once, I actually finished my to do list. Check back later and I'll let you know if I finish my list for the week.

There never seems to be enough time for the things you want there to be enough time for. 'Tis too true.

Happy birthday to my brother (28 on the 29th) and my sister (31 on the 31st) this week. Hope things are happy and grand.

11 weeks and counting.

As I finally got my computer up and going, and nestled myself back into the butt groove on my cushion on my desk chair, it hit me. I have eight weeks of school. Eight long weeks. Eight weeks to recover from the grim test scores that plagued me the week before spring break. Eight weeks to suffer through these classes that have yet to spark my attention. Eight weeks until I get to switch it up, work really hard for three weeks, and then spend the summer at camp. Eight weeks is a long time.

Eight more weeks of weekends at home, and Thursdays with Jeremy. Eight more weeks of crunching numbers, cramming information, and reading till my eyes slouch. Eight more weeks of 12 hours of business classes a week and one electronics class that despite being mildly (now severely) lost, will be missed. Part of me just wants to get it over with. Part of me wants to forget the double minor so I will be out of school that much sooner but then reality checks in.

My dad asked me on Saturday night, "So where will you apply to get a real job?" Right, like I know. The truth of the matter is, that question is probably one of the most feared in my life right now and that's not a decision that I have to face for over a year and a half. I need these extra skills. It's the only way I'll ever be marketable.

I still have this overwhelming feeling that I'm wasting my life while I'm spending all this time in college rather than feeling like I'm investing in my future. That's the way I need to see it though. This now is for tomorrow's there. I keep trying to tell myself that it will eventually all pay off and that it will get better, but I don't know how long I can lie.

A friend of mine wrote in her xanga that the reason school is so rough is that if you are not doing school work, you feel guilty about it. Whereas, once you start working, it's work, go home and that's that. Getting paid doesn't depend on how you do outside of your job. Rewards in school are almost solely based on what you do outside of the classroom and on your own. Granted there is merit in that idea, but for the love, maybe life wouldn't be so heinous when in school if there wasn't so much pressure on your work outside of school hours. Sure, when you are working there are other problems. Errands, repairs, families. But is it such a crime to want to be done with school.

The fact of the matter is, when I finish this semester, I am over halfway done. Three semesters after this one. That's all. THREE. You look back and it seems like it's gone by so quickly, yet when you are in the moment it feels painfully slow. After this semester, I will officially be a senior although I refuse to give into that statement until spring 2007.

I hate wishing my life away and yet, I need these days to hurry up and go so I can get to where I wanna be and where they want me to be.

10:30 pm depression

Today, the weather was absolutely gorgeous. 76 degrees, sunny, and just unbelievably amazing. I actually got up at 7:30 and went for a walk. It was that nice.

At work, there was havoc. All out havoc. I think though that no one really knows...yet.

I missed two extra credit on my management test. I should have only missed one, but in the frenzy of the morning I read the question wrong.

Two tests and a quiz to go.

I have spent all evening setting up this site.

It is my motivation to get back into what I love because I need to. I've neglected it too long.

This evening, I went on an emotional rollercoaster. First, I watched One Tree Hill on the WB tonight. They were daring and tackled the issue of school violence recreating their own Columbine. I don't know how many of you ever saw the movie Elephant, but the message was much different. Not only did they manage to kill off the depressed gunman, they also killed off one of the main characters in an act of pure evil. I know it's only a television show, and not even a very good one at that, but a villian who is just so despicable it makes you want to puke anytime he comes into the frame, well I think that's just a bit too far.

After recovering from that, I read an email from camp giving us an update on how close summer really is. They revealed the admin staff and I think they will have a whole lot of potential this summer. Good people indeed.

At the end of the email, it was noted that one of the counselor's mother died yesterday. Immediately my heart sunk again. While this counselor was never a close friend of mine, over the course of the last four months or so, I have come to realize what an incredible and amazing person she is and how much I respect her for everything she does. It seems that everything happens to her and I can only pray that life will turn around soon. My heart is with you.

This sunk me into a minor depression and I finally had a chance to speak with my confidant. I explained my roller coaster emotional ride, and she told me, "You do seem to feel things like this very deeply, even when it has little to do with you." It's so true. I don't know if it has to do with my sophomore year of high school and everything that came with it or just the fact that I have little else to do, but tragedy hits me. It always hits me. And it smacks me across the face, rips my heart out, and throws me to the ground.

Kind of like the movie Closer that has been on the campus movie channel all week. That movie depresses me but it's quite a wild ride. It hurts, but it is glorious. How is it that that pain feels good?

So here I am back to my somewhat ill state, and I don't even know what to do but to go to bed and get up tomorrow and continue on with my life.

To all those out there who are hurting, physically, emotionally, mentally, my heart goes out to you. If I could help you feel better, I would. I hate suffering and pain of all kinds. Alas, there is nothing I can do to fix it. Do what you need to do. Cry. Be angry. Ask the questions that may never be answered.

In time, you will recover. We carry our lives with us everywhere we go. We cannot escape our pasts. The scars shape our character and are constant reminders.

Strength will get you through. Find faith. Have faith.

And hold on.