Reflections I was surprised to see

I am midway through the semester, and still freaked out about everything I have left to do. Tilda chain please:
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Candidacy still makes me nervous, and I am still very confused. Lately my big stresser on top of everything else that is going on is that my blood pressure has been dangerously high everytime I go to Health Services (thus they refuse me service). This week I have an appointment. They will likely put me on meds, and I'll get pissed off about it when it doesn't help, and more than anything, I just want to have everything under control so I do not have to worry so much. As if I don't have enough stress as it is. I mean I have had roughly a breakdown a week since I started school--that's how stressed out I am.

I have spent the last few days contemplating. I still hate college. But I like my situation this year a lot better than last year. I go two weeks without seeing my wonderful boyfriend rather than six. I get to sleep, do homework and enjoy having space of my own. I love it. I really do. But the institution of college is ridiculous and I cannot wait to be done with it. I know! I shouldn't wish my life away, but I am afraid I am stuck. I'm stuck in this transition from high school to adulthood, and this is my least favorite transition ever to have to make.

I contemplated whether I felt that I have been "left behind" by everyone who is off at school elsewhere. Everyone else comes home and I'm here. But I don't. I really don't. This is where I belong. My parents need me. Despite their not wanting to admit it sometimes, I know they like having me around the house. Camp needs me when nobody else is available to work. This is where I am supposed to be. If you look down on that, you need to get over your superiority complex.

I think issues from last year are beginning to resurface. Insecurities and frustrations are coming back, but they are fostering themselves in new ways. Things that didn't get dealt with over the summer will constantly nag me until I can face each and everyone. It's a process and it will take a while.

Another weekend spent studying. All too fascinating I do believe.